Wrong place... but more right than the alternative

And it can be deleted if you want, I wouldn't be hurt.

Anyway, in true "me" fashion I can't let anything go right away and I have to stew in my own disappointing feelings for a while.

I'm more afraid of what the alternative is to speaking up or out or louder. Am I really being too needy and demanding? I honestly need to know if my time needs are crowding your life. You missed your last curling day helping me move... you are dead tired after gigs and still manage to come over and hang out (even though there's some nights when I'm sure it's far too late)... we're only human and can only give so much of ourselves.

Keep it all in perspective too. You've known me somewhat intimately for three months, not the entire year. As much as I've known you for that long I have to keep stopping and telling myself that after three months I should never make stupid decisions emotionally that will just keep hurting after. Albeit better than a few years, or better than marrying someone you really weren't ready to or having babies or whatever... I move in too fast and really I'm not seeing any results other than crash n burn.

I just don't know where to put anything emotionally, it just sits in front of my face and bothers me. Its a combination of a lot of things. Much of the time the only thing I look forward to is seeing you. Sometimes it does feel like I didn't spend enough time with you between all of the things that we do.. .which aren't bad things at all, and who am I to say anything anyway... sigh.

Just getting a sniff of deja vous... i'm damned it I say anything and I'm damned if I leave it. So I said it.. I didn't even get to say goodbye to you, it was rushed and impersonal... not like it should all be the most luxurious goodbye all of the time... just I expected to be able to spend more time with you, even just get up and leave with you in the morning. I had nowhere to be tonight.. but then i know you don't need me around keeping you up and stealing your bed space either.

It's just so stupid, I just want to be comfortable and safe. I've been stuck at this in between at times stage for a few weeks now where I don't know if I fit enough to say anything to you but I feel too strongly to not fit somewhere. I'm scared.

Anyway just stupid blabbing and I want to just say things that aren't cool... like come hang out with me instead of doing something you like to do with your friends.. i'll be around, not much until my days off but it's not like you can't text me ...

I didn't want to say anything tonight... I'd rather just not say anything at all because i should be hurt enough to just not care about anyone anymore.. seriously I wish I could just not care about stupid things like scheduling. I don't want a scheduled relationship again. I just want there to be an "us", whoever wants to be part of "us" need apply and be well aware that "them" doesn't matter when it's "us". It's far too much to expect I'm sure.

So I am going to try and go to sleep at some point... maybe watch some simpsons because that's what I do most evenings now. I wish I had the energy and ability to do more with myself than that... but I got into the habit of it when I moved back, then I talked to you a lot, and now I'm kind of figuring out where to go from here.